Quotables

She’s got it down.

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Once I entered middle age, I did myself the favor of dropping my high expectations. For every situation, I imagine the worst possible outcome, and the actual one is almost always better in comparison. When someone promises to do something, I brace myself for disappointment, and on occasion, I’m pleasantly surprised.

I haven’t schooled my children on this way of thinking yet, because they’re at that golden age where they expect the best out of their lives and the people in it. Watching it is bittersweet.

This morning, I held Bonnie, our Russian tortoise, up to my mouth, said, “Care for a Bonnieburger?” and took an imaginary bite out of her butt.

Anna watched, then replied, “She’s going to poop in your mouth.”

Real-life training is one of the most difficult parts of parenting. It’s always easier during those rare moments when they train themselves.

That’s gratitude for ya

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Anna (sighing at the scorched savanna of our backyard): “I wish we had a pool.”

Me: “You know what’s more valuable than a pool? Gratitude. You should be grateful that you are healthy with a big yard to play in with frogs hopping around in a pond. You have a swing set and a driveway with a basketball hoop and a brother and sister and a dog who’s begging for a walk. Rather than thinking of all the things you wish you had, you should focus on the things you do have.”

Anna: “Can we start that after we get a pool?”

Said Eva

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Much annoyed, after catching a glimpse of Anna through her magnifying glass: “Anna!  You’re not a clue!”

Eva:  “Mama, I want to go to the ocean.”
Me:  “Someday.”
Eva:  “But today IS someday!”

Terrified, running full speed away from her brother:  “Mama!  Tyler’s being a freaky monster!”

Eva:  (pointing at the hot tub, which is next to the pool):  “Mama, can we go in there?”
Me: “No.  The sign says you have to be fourteen to go in the hot tub.”
Eva (pointing at old man):  “Well, HE’s in here, and HE’s not fourteen!”

Eva (pointing at an illustration in the book we were reading):  “Mama, who’s that?”

Me:  “That’s the royal wiseman.  And he’s holding a crystal ball.”
Eva:  “Oooooh!  Can he bounce it?”

After the Bean licked her head:  “Mama!  Bean licked the side of my brain!”

“Mama, when I’m five I’ll be bigger.  But I don’t want you to cry, cause you’ll hurt my ears.  You can just say, ‘Wow!  You’re five?!’”

Angrily, after Anna made it to the end of the pool first:  “Anna!  Don’t ever win again!”

Me (singing to her when she went underwater in the pool):  “For she’s a jolly good fellow…”
Eva (after listening to the song from beginning to end):  “Mama, what is that about?”
Me:  “It’s a song people sing when somebody does something great.  And you just did something really, really great!”
Eva (after a thoughtful pause):  “I want to hear that Jello song again!”

Repositioning Anna on the toilet:  “Anna!  You’re not sitting on the hole!”

After Anna fell off the couch:  “Anna, see what happens when you do scary things?”

After Tyler climbed on the counter to get her Minnie Mouse:  “Tyler, you did it! You’re a hero!”

When I didn’t hug or kiss her as much as usual after tucking her in:  “Mama! You forgot to love me!”

Angrily, after Anna sneezed on her leg:  “Mama!  Anna just bless you’d all over me!”