Glancing at the caller ID as the phone rang today, Eva announced, “It’s just some jerkoff.”
Doug and I stared at each other. Then we stared at her.
“What did you just say?” I demanded.
“What?” she asked, her eyes wide with confusion. “That’s what Daddy always says when a telemarketer calls.”
That’ll teach Doug to dangle his prepositions.
As April 15 has come and gone, the results are in: as Doug put it, we’ve been tax shamed by the IRS. (For those of you who don’t speak Doug, we will not be receiving a refund this year.)
To remedy the problem, our accountant has suggested we each claim one less dependent on next year’s tax return.
Not such an easy solution, considering all three dependents are equally adorable.
Me: “Tyler, you need a haircut. Do you have a specific look in mind?”
Tyler: “It’s hard to describe. I kind of want it to be short on the sides, but I want to grow it long in the back.”
And here I was hoping the Torrington gene at least skipped a generation.
Yesterday’s sidebar on Yahoo featured Tom Brady’s locker room search for his jersey, five full days after the Super Bowl. I imagined for a moment that I was famous and constantly in the limelight, and that all my own lost & found calamities went viral. Here would be the headlines screaming at you from Super Bowl to present:
“Petrovits solicits mall security when parking lot search turns frantic: ‘Somebody stole my car.’”
“Petrovits causes near collision while trying to make it to work on time: ‘It’s like my left shoe vanished in thin air.’ ”
“Petrovits’s keys disintegrate from key hook: Family prisoners in their own home.”
“Petrovits holds up entire line at local Big Y after dumping contents of purse on register. ‘The kids must have taken my credit card,’ she raged.”
“Marker dematerializes from Mrs. Lariviere’s Smart Board while baffled fourth-graders look on: ‘Which one of you practical jokers needs me to call your parents?’ ”
It’s a good thing I never made it to the NFL. The Internet would be so glutted, no one would be able to find their real news anymore.