… invite us over for a playdate. Lead us into your living room, where a throw pillow is out of place. Apologize for the mess.
My Nonsensical Thought of the Day
On the bright side, false advertising is the spice of life.
To the side of my Facebook newsfeed is a picture of Ellen Degeneres passionately kissing a man, along with this caption: “Ellen feels ashamed that she lied to her fans for years!” and “The media is shocked after discovering Ellen’s secret that shocked the world!”
Click on it, and the headline screams: “BACKSTAGE SKINCARE SECRET: Her Anti-Aging Trick Finally Exposed!”
I haven’t felt this deceived since Monica busted out the blue dress in ’97.
Noooooooo….it can’t be over yet!
There’s still 12 cents in my pocket, and I haven’t heard nearly enough of the Carpenters!
As for you, sleepless children, you are fired.
I remember when my only job during Christmas Eve was to fall asleep in time for Santa to hit the Eastern time zone and stuff our living room with presents to my greedy heart’s content.
As 10:00 approaches and the kids are still in the midst of full-blown hyper-excited pillow-fighting mattress gymnastics, and a mound of black garbage bags stuffed with unwrapped presents lies in wait, I know only one thing for certain: I want my old job back.