Today Doug set off to Walmart to buy ammo and a part for his gun.  On his way out the door, he asked me if I needed anything.

“Actually yes,” I said.  “Tuesday’s Valentine’s Day, and I still haven’t gotten cards for the kids’ friends in class. Tyler would like Spiderman, and Eva would like the Disney princesses.  Or Tinkerbell.  Or whatever fairy you can find.”

He raised an eyebrow at me and stared.

“Oh, and socks,” I continued.  “I don’t care what they look like, as long as they don’t say ‘Faded Glory’ anywhere visible.”

“Aren’t those in the women’s underwear section?” was his dry response.

“Yes, somewhere around there.  Oh, and one more thing,” I added.  “Eva got her hundredth stamp on her point chart today, and I promised her a My Little Pony.  Can you glance through the toy section and see if they have them?”

And with that, I propped a pink post-it in his hand and sent him on his way.

One of life’s little ironies:  To emasculate a dog or cat, neuter him.  To emasculate a man, give him a wife, kids, and a shopping list.

“Hello there. Can’t seem to find the phone again?  Check all the counters. … Not there?  Better check by the computer. … No luck?  Maybe you left it in the refrigerator again.  Ugh oh.  Not there either? … Let’s go check under the couch.  Careful! Lift with your legs, not with your back!  Back to the kitchen…that’s it, down the hallway, turn right…watch your …step!  Don’t trip over the Legos!  Is it under the table?  Whoops!  Don’t hit your head!  Are you wearing your helmet?”

The next message, from the automated voice messaging system…

“Your inbox is 99% full.  You have thirty seconds remaining.”

The third message…

“Hello, this is Allison from the Simsbury Public Schools.  I’m calling to let you know that we reviewed your paperwork, we’ve checked your references, and—”

The final message…

“Your inbox is 100% full.  BEEP!”