One of the best things I ever did since I became a mother is, every time something sweet, funny or thought-provoking comes out of my kids’ mouths, to stop everything and write it down. There is scrap paper floating all over my house—on little pieces of memo paper, the margins of shopping lists, on junk mail envelopes and the backs of receipts—of all my kids’ witticisms of the day. Every chance I get, I compile them into their own personal book of quotations. Who knows, maybe they’re only cute and funny to their mother, but I decided to share them anyway. This evening, Tyler gets the spotlight and the mike. Enjoy.
Over a big plate of spaghetti: “Can I have another napkin? Mine is all sauced out.”
Tyler: “Mom, do bears come to our driveway?”
Me: “Not usually. Bears are afraid of people, so they don’t like to come too close to the house.”
Tyler: “Do they like to step on puzzle boxes?”
Me: “It’s not likely that a bear would step on your puzzle box, if that’s what you’re asking.”
Tyler (genuinely confused): “Then why did you make me bring it back in the house?”
Me (after kindergarten orientation): “Aren’t you excited to see all the kids in your new class?”
Tyler: “Will the adults be in my new class, too?”
Me: “No, they were just there for orientation. Why, do you like adults better than kids?”
Tyler: “Yes.”
Me: “How come?”
Tyler: “Because they get me stuff in the refrigerator that’s too high for me to reach.”
Tyler (as he watched me crack a bowl of walnuts): “Mom, I want to plant a walnut tree in our yard.”
Me: “Well, maybe we can!”
Tyler (examining a walnut): “But, does it have a seed?”
Me: “Yes, everything that grows has seeds. I’m pretty sure the walnut is the seed. I’ll have to find out about that.”
Tyler: “Maybe you should give it an X-ray.”
Tyler (analyzing his puzzle): “Wait! I know where it goes!” (popping the piece in place) “See? That’s where it goo!”
Me: “You mean, that’s where it WENT?”
Tyler: “Oh.” (smiling sheepishly) “I forgot what to say.”
Tyler: “I can’t wait to get these Wedgits in the clear box with the blue handle!”
Me: “Maybe for Christmas. But we don’t have the money to get that right yet.”
Tyler: “Daddy has money.”
Me: “He does? Well where is he hiding it?”
Tyler: “It’s in his pocket.” (Patting his left hip, looking both ways and lowering his voice) “You have to look in this one, right here.”
Eva: “Mama, I don’t suck my thumb anymore!”
Me: “Yes, you do. I just saw you sucking your thumb ten minutes ago.”
Eva: “No I don’t. I do NOT suck my thumb!”
Me: “Yes, you do. You’re a chronic thumb-sucker.”
Eva: “What does ‘chronic thumb-sucker’ mean?”
Tyler: “It means you have thumbsuckerosis!”
Eva (holding up a flower girl dress): “Mama, is this the dress you wore when you got married?”
Me: “No, that dress is for kids. When I got married, I was twenty-nine years old.”
Tyler: “See, Eva? That can’t be Mom’s dress. Hers was a size twenty-nine.”
Watching the water drip out of the filter: “Is it done filting yet?”
Me: “Guess who’s coming over today?”
Tyler: “Who?”
Me: “Grandma!”
Tyler: “Which one?”
Me: “Grandma Lariviere!”
Tyler: “But we just saw Grandma Lariviere yesterday.”
Me: “So?”
Tyler: “After we see Grandma Larivere, we need to see Grandma Petrovits. Then, Grandma Lariviere again. Tell the grandmas they need to make a pattern!”
Tyler (as I stood by the edge of the pool): “Why aren’t you coming in?”
Me: “Because I’m too tired today.”
Tyler: “That’s OK. You can sleep in the pool!”
Me (examining his foot): “I told you to stop growing your feet when they were this big.” (holding out my hands) “But now they’re already this big.” (stretching hands wider).
Tyler (measuring a foot with one hand): “Look! They’re so big they almost broke my fingers!”
Indignantly, after I handed him his outfit of the day: “Mom, you gave me Eva’s skirt. And it’s a size FOUR!”