For the past 48 hours, Doug has been mocking me for posting my “snapper” (see previous post). It made me wonder how my life would be different had I married someone who could rise above the annoying and inappropriate. In other words, someone who does not…
(1) …turn all that is innocent into a sexual innuendo (case in point: snapper).
(2) …coach me as I descend the stairs. (“Careful. Hand on the railing. Where’s your helmet? One step at a time…”)
(3) …probe me with questions while I’m on the treadmill, including “Where are you going?” “What’s your hurry?” and “Need a ride?”
(4) …take credit where it’s not due. I clap for the deaf dog’s attention—he bows. I greet a child with “Hi, Gorgeous”—he answers. Every time.
(5) …make gastrointestinal sound effects whenever I bend over.
(6) …find joy in the sound left behind by a near-empty bottle of ketchup.
(7) …change the lyrics in every song to the pornographically absurd.
(8) …prop the children’s toys in compromising positions. This week, I discovered Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head in a position that would offend Miss Jenna Jameson herself.
(9) …compete with the children for the most offensive bodily function.
(10) …draw body parts on the construction site, then tell the crew I did it.
On the bright side, we save money on HBO and Cinemax. Around here, all my entertainment is free.