After nearly tumbling down a flight of stairs and thereby breaking every limb, appendage and digit on my body, it occurred to me that there is one thing about parenting that I will never learn: children will utter “I would like a drink of water” with the same urgency as “I’ve fallen out the window and am dangling from the ledge by a toenail over a vat of hot oil teeming with child-eating piranhas.”

Heart, you may start beating again.