A pumpkin thief has pillaged the neighborhood, and this morning looked like Whoville Village after the Grinch stole Christmas. To you, the scandal has a carload of teenagers written all over it—but I know the truth. For generations, we’ve been gutting, carving, and mutilating innocent squash by the millions, leaving them to rot on our doorsteps. The Great Pumpkin is pissed. Nonbelievers, prepare to roll in November with a plague of rotten eggs, whipped cream, silly string, stink bombs, toilet paper, and bags of dog poop with firecrackers. You never know how He’ll unleash his vengeance next.