When it comes to luck, there are two categories of people in this world: those who discover a $20 bill in their pocket that they didn’t know they had, and those who turn every pocket they own inside out muttering, “I just know I put my last goddamned twenty dollars in ONE of these pockets…”
I happen to fall under category #2.
There are a million things I’ve lost over the course of a lifetime, and if I sit down and think about it, I would tar and feather myself for a joyous reunion with my losses over the past six months alone. There’s the diamond that fell out of my engagement ring—an irreplaceable symbol of my union with the man I love throughout a decade of blissful matrimony. (The truth? Two thousand dollars for a shiny piece of carbon the size of my pinky nail. It’s enough to make me cry harder than I did at the altar.) Of course, there’s Anna’s toy pony, which she has been pestering/ harassing/ borderline stalking me about around the clock over the past 86.5 days since its disappearance. Then there’s every homework assignment my Hartford students have handed in over the past ten years. (At least, I think I lost them. That’s what they keep telling their parents.) I would part the Red Sea with nothing but a really long shovel if I could find the knob to my computer speaker, which I now flick on and off with a pair of tweezers from Eva’s Doc McStuffin’s medical kit. And last, there’s that missing piece to the Noah’s Ark puzzle from the Simsbury Public Library. Who knew the children’s librarian would actually count all 299 pieces and charge me for the whole damn thing?
And so, with the onset of spring, I decided to give the house a thorough spring cleaning (i.e., ransacking) in search of these items. Among my discoveries was a crayon melted into the heater, an expired 10% off coupon to Bob’s, and a sippy cup full of milk so spoiled I had to run it through the garbage disposal.
Just once, I’d like to reach into my pocket and find that $20 bill, rather than a wad of used tissue or a handful of goldfish crackers I picked off the floor of my car.
Until then, the search continues. Even if I lose my mind in the process.