I used to have a sound machine that played cricket choirs, ocean waves and waterfalls. Now that I have kids, I’d like one with three of the world’s most soothing sounds: a BOOM followed by hysterical screaming (meaning the kid’s still alive); simultaneous snoring from all three bedrooms; and SPLAT, meaning the spit-up missed the shoulder and hit the floor. You all can keep your oceans, waterfalls and crickets.